I’m a dark cloud about to burst. I’m a hurricane, I’m an avalanche. I’m the calm after the storm. I am the storm. Everything at once.
The idea of having one’s life together at the age of 21 strikes me as somewhat impossible. I’ve always wanted to be a writer. I don’t know exactly where that idea came from, but I have some livid memories concerning reading Harry Potter and watching Harriet the Spy when I was a little child.
Today, I find myself on the verge of finishing my first novel. That scares me a little because today, I’m closer to finishing something I started when I was 15. By then, I had things figured out. Figured out as in “the world is mine” kind of figured out. Today, at 21, I realize the world does not belong to a black young man. The world is out there to be faced and maybe conquered. But also feared.
I don’t know where Exactly I’m going. I do however know that, one year from now, I don not want to be stuck where I am now, as I’m not today where I was last year. That saying about moving forward is right. It doesn’t matter where I’m going as long as it’s forward and as long as I don’t stop.
I see myself in the mirror and I shudder with terror. Average – that’s what I see in me. Not a day goes by without me hating my very being. I’m too thin; my cock my be big – yet my blackness offend you. No one’s ever stopping me to say how pretty my plain eyes are. As I look in the mirror, I know that they all don’t care about my pointy bones. Oh, Anna, I lust you no more…
My skin is transparent – inside my life beats. The lights in my plain eyes fade day by day and when they go out – then I will be stunning.